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Zombie Hunter

Fucking zombies…  I hate god damn zombies.  I’ve been hunting zombies under the radar for almost13 years now.  Zombies quietly locked away in suburban basements and apartment block storage lockers by neighborhood elders that recognize the early signs of someone turning and know what to do.

You all probably don’t realize it, but we face zombies most every day.  Not like what you see in the movies, but this shit happens…some Joe Everybody tally whacker whatever just fades out, we don’t know what from, and eventually comes back a god damn zombie all fucked up and lookin to spread his shit all over town unless he gets  put down.  This shit really happens!  Ever notice a sudden change in one your neighbors?  They act a bit off, different patterns of coming and going, maybe one just isn’t to be seen at all.  And short while later some bullshit service, “jerry’s electric t.v. repair” say, and what the fuck t.v. isn’t electric, is there just before the rest of the family is gone for good?  Well they  didn’t just send one off to rehab and move the whole family out from under, electric t.v. and all.  No…in fact you probably just witnessed a zombie clean up. 

So you’re saying to yourself “great, fucken nut-job thinks he’s a vampire hunter, and I've got nothing better to do than sit and read this crap”…  Well dip shit, not exactly.  First get your paranormals down straight, vampires are a movie gimmick to sell teenage girls posters for the bedroom walls while zombies are a walking bio-hazard with the brainless misson to eat, shit and reproduce and once you get five or six of’em goin, buddy look out.  They don’t all daisy-chain from door to door, the bustards are mindless and just go.  Its like the fugitive. 

Now the way I fit is I’m the guy driving the bullshit van.  I’m the guy who cleans up these little outbreaks and keeps you all from the big damn zombie apocalyps

e everyone seems to be expecting and the run I’m just back from tells me we all ought to be a shit load better prepared.

 

Now a zombie outbreak can happen most anywhere but the worst possible scenario is in a run down downtown where you’ve already got a number of street walkers with shit for brains that don’t get out of the way when a zombie is comin' right at’em.  They don’t multiply quite as fast as other situations, but they are damn hard to track down with nobody taking notice or trying to contain them. 

So downtown Detroit, my hometown, a city where until recently you new exactly what you could expect around every corner.  Now we have a mix of street walkers and folks in pants so tight they wouldn’t be able to run if they did know the scary shit just around the corner.  This arrangement is a nightmare for me and the run tonight seriously makes the point. 

Around eleven-thirty an old barman I know called to say he’s seen what looked like a street walker turned zombie feeding on one of the kids from his bar who wandered to the back for a smoke.  While he was getting word to me, the tight pants kid wanders back in for help not knowing the true nature behind the attack.  Well soon enough he begins to turn and a couple of his brave buddies head out to take on the street walker.  None of them recognized the situation in front of them or had a clue what do.  The only redeeming facet was my barman friend seeing things deteriorate quickly (it doesn’t take a long to turn with your blood thinned by alcohol) knew enough to chain the doors until I got there.  A smooth move in the movies, but in real life the cell phones come out quick meaning you have work fast separating folks…  Well ok, seven or eight of the crown I can handle in confined space, along with a quick, discreet check of the others to make sure things don’t spread.  I also ask my friend to get them crunked so nobody remembers quite whats happened.  But there’s still the challenge of tracking the street walkers and the tight pants kids that may well be infected by now. 

Years in the business and a good knowledge of the city help me track down the kids, and to my surprise I manage thirteen street walkers.  A handful for two or three zombie hunters and way the fuck to close to becoming something of an epidemic.  But as I said, this was going to be a difficult situation from the start.  And if a couple more people in the crowd knew what to look for and how to act, well I would have gotten home much earlier.  Without a solid, local zombie hunter that knew the town, such as yours truly, folks here would’ve been up shit creek an so overrun with zombies a military campaign would be the only option. 

The point of my little story is this, know what the fuck to do when you see a zombie.  And for that matter know what someone turning into a zombie looks like.  One day your town, apartment, shack or whatever is gonna be at risk and it will be up to you put a blade in a zombies head and get your women to some high ground so they can thank you properly for saving them.  If nothing else, know who to call, and I’ll come round to git your electric t.v. fixed up good.          

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